FUN WITH PUNS
Compiled By Gary Mussell, Moorpark, California Return to Main Menu...Last Updated: 05/22/05

TABLE OF CONTENTS
Quasimoto's Successor
Beethoven's Ninth Round
A Faux Paw
So this Mushroom walks into a Bar...
So this String walks into a Bar...
So this Termite walks into a Bar...
All a Loan
A Howler
An Arresting Moment
A Monumental Pun
Manhole
Bad News
Name That Drink
Country Music
Bartering Shepherds
Columbus
The Queen...and King
Checkmates
Sioux Math
Television
Zoned Out
The Piano Tuner
Hamburgers
Birds and Oilin'
One Foggy Knight
A Ribbiting Problem
He Auto Know
Save the Dolphins!
One Froggy Day
The Saddest Story
Bad Chair Day
Et Tu, Bull?
S.O.S.
Gilbert & Sullivan
Boll Jest
He Boulder Over
Little Monastery of Horrors
Ze Dumb Guy
Czech Out This One
Maid for Love
Two Eskimos
Lots of One-Liners
The Eyes Have It!
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Quasimoto's Successor
PART ONE: After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.
The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man, "observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.
Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and lunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a Crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, . . . "but his face rings a bell."

PART TWO: (YES, THERE'S MORE TO THIS JOKE!) The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there's a trivia question), the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.
"What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?"
"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, . . . "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

Beethoven's Ninth Round
The symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth, which includes an extensive section in the "Ode to Joy" where the bass players don't engage for a 20-minute stretch. One finally decided he didn't want to stand around looking bored and stupid, so he encouraged all the bass players to file offstage, then return when it was time to play again. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
On the night of the actual performance, the bass players filed off as planned. The last one had barely left the stage when the leader suggested, "Hey, we've got 20 minutes, let's run across the street to the bar for a few drinks!"
This idea met with great approval, so off they went, tuxedos and all, to loosen up. WELL....15 minutes and few rounds later, one of the bass players said, "Shouldn't we be heading back? It's almost time." But the leader announced, "Oh don't worry, we'll have some extra time. I played a little joke on the conductor. Before the performance started, I tied string around each page of his score so that he'd have to untie each page to turn it. The piece will drag on a bit. We've got time for another round!"
So another round they did, and finally-sloshed and staggering-they made their way back across the street to finish Ludwig's 9th Symmphony.
Upon entering the stage, they immediately noticed the conductor's haggard, drawn and livid expression. "Gee," one player queried, "why do you suppose he looks so tense?"
"You'd be tense, too," laughed the leader. "It's the bottom of the 9th, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded!"

A Faux Paw!
One day a dog with a heavily bandaged leg came riding into an Old West town. He tied his horse up to the hitch'n post and limped into the saloon. As he ambled up to the bar the bartender looked at him and said, "Hope you're not here to cause any trouble."
The dog replied in a deep, gravelly voice, "Naw, I ain't gonna cause no trouble. I'm just looking for the man who shot my paw."

In Another Bar...
A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says "we don't serve mushrooms here."
The mushroom says " Why? I'm a fun guy"!

Yet Another Bar...
A piece of string walked into a bar and said "Gimme a beer!" but the bartender said "Get outta here! We don't serve your kind here!" So the string left, but he was thirsty, and he really wanted a beer, so he messed up his hair real badly and looped himself around until he had tied himself into a knot. When the string went back into the bar, the bartender looked at him suspiciously and said "Aren't you that worthless piece of string I just threw outta here?"
"No," the string replied, "I'm a frayed knot!"

Still Another Bar...
This Termite walks into a bar, see...and he sez: "Is the bar tender here?"

All a Loan
Once there was a toad who wanted to add on to his Lilly pad. Now, Mr. Toad needed money to undertake this project, so he went down to the bank to get a loan. There at the teller window was his old friend, Ms. Patricia Wack.
"Hello, Patricia," said Mr. Toad. "I need a loan so I can add onto my lily pad."
"Well, Mr. Toad, we can lend you the money, but we need some collateral. Do you have anything you can give us?"
Mr. Toad went through his bag of possessions and came out with a little gold statue. "This is all I have," he said. "Well, I don't know," said Patricia. "Let me ask the president."
So Patricia walked into the President's office and said, "Mr. Toad needs a loan, but this is all he has as collateral," and she handed him the statue. The president looked at the statue and said, "It's a nick-nack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan."

A Howler
At one time, economic conditions caused the closing of several small clothing mills in the English countryside. A man from West Germany bought the buildings and converted them into dog kennels for the convenience of German tourists who liked to have their pets with them while vacationing in England. One summer evening, a local resident called to his wife to come out of the house. "Just listen!" he urged. "The mills are alive with the hounds of Munich!"

An Arresting Moment
Did you hear about the woman who escaped from the back of a police car? She was arrested for reading palms. She escaped because she was very short, only 4' 6" tall. The headline in the local newspaper read: 'Short Medium at Large.'

A Monumental Pun
This story takes place in the distant future, where interstellar travel is commonplace and contacts with alien races are familiar experiences.
One day a planet is discovered out Antares way whose sole inhabitant is an enormous humanoid, three miles high and made of granite. At first it is mistaken for an immense statue left by some vanished race of giants, for it squats motionless on a yellow plain, exhibiting no outward sign of life. It has legs, but it never rises to walk on them. It has a mouth, but never eats or speaks. It has what appears to be a perfectly functional brain, the size of a four-story condominium, but the brain lies dormant, electrochemical activity at a standstill.
Yet it lives. This puzzles the heck out of the scientists, who try everything they can think of to get some sign of life from the behemoth -- in vain. It just squats, motionless and seemingly thoughtless, until one day a xenobiologist, frustrated beyond endurance, screams, "How could evolution give legs, mouth and a brain to a creature that doesn't use them?"
It happens that he's the first to ask a direct question in the thing's presence. It rises with a thunderous rumble to its full height, scattering the clouds, thinks for a moment, booms, "IT COULDN'T," and squats down again
"Oh my God," exclaims the xenobiologist, "Of course! It only stands to reason"

Manhole
A woman was jumping on a manhole cover and saying, "39...39...39" over and over again. A man came up and asked what she was doing. She said it was a new exercise. He got on the manhole cover and started jumping. Suddenly she pulled the cover out from under him and he fell into the hole. She put back the cover and started jumping again, saying, "40...40...40..."

Bad News
The doctor tells his patient he has some bad news and some worse news. "The bad news is you have 48 hours to live. The worse news is I've been trying to reach you for 2 days."

Name That Drink
A doctor walked into a bar across from Cedar Sinai Hospital still wearing his surgical greens and a stethoscope around his neck. As he sat at the bar he noticed that there was a pile of toys next to the cash register. "What are those?" he asked. The bartender said "Those are wind-up toys for the customers to play with. Would you like one? The mouse is my favorite." "OK, let me try the mouse, and bring me a drink. I'll have a ummmm... let's see... what would be good?" "How about my specialty? If you can guess what it is, the first one is free," the bartender offered. "OK, fine!" the doctor replied, winding up the toy mouse. When the toy was put on the bar it began to run in circles. Every time the mouse completed a loop it stopped, sat up and wiggled its nose. Then it quickly ran back around the circle in the other direction.
Meanwhile, a couple were arguing at the other end of the bar over another one of the toys. It was a clock that played different songs, depending on where the hands were pointed. The guy said to the woman "Mary, you always grab that one before I get here just because you know it's my favorite! Let me have it!" and she said "Don't be stupid, Juan, you never liked this clock until I started playing with it!"
Meanwhile the mouse continued spinning madly on the bar, as the bartender approached with a cocktail glass filled with a frothy green liquid. "That mouse is amazing," the doctor said, "it's been running for almost five minutes and it hasn't slowed down yet!" "I know, that's why it is my favorite, but I guess it will run down soon. Here's your drink. Taste it. What do you think it is?"
The doctor sniffed the glass, noting the distinctive aroma of rum, and saw that there were brown flecks floating on top. He sipped it apprehensively as the fight in the corner escalated. "I have had it with you, Mary! I'm leaving!" the guy yelled, as he started for the door. "OK, there's rum and lime juice in it," the doctor ventured, "and I think those brown specks are ground up walnuts." The mouse began to slow slightly, as the woman in the corner screamed "You want the damn thing, you can have it!" She threw the clock toward the door as the doctor's face brightened, and he said, "I know! I've got it! It's a walnut daiquiri!"
"Nope, but you're close," the bartender said as the clock struck Juan, and the mouse ran down, "It's a hickory daiquiri doc!"

Country Music
Question: What happens when you play country music backwards?
Answer: You get your wife back, you get your house back, you get your job back, you get your car back, etc...

Bartering Shepherds
Two shepherds were rushing to Jerusulem to see what all the commotion was about when they saw a roadside stand and stopped. "Whaddya got?" Achtul asked. "Mango juice, fresh dates, and palm fronds," the vendor replied. "Well, I want some juice and dates, but what are the palm fronds for?" Bechtel asked. The vendor replied "They're all the fashion in Jerusalem... you gotta have them... everybody who is anybody is carrying them... these are very fresh, and the price is right!" So the shepherds each bought some palm fronds.
As they got closer to the city they noticed more stands selling palm fronds, but the prices were higher and the selection was not as good. "We were smart to buy our fronds back there," Achtul said. "Yes, we were," Bechtel agreed, "These are the best looking fronds I have seen anywhere!"
Then, as they approached the gates of Jerusalem, they saw another roadside stand with brightly colored flowers in place of the green palm fronds. "Whaddya got?" Achtul asked. "Mango juice, fresh dates, and anemones," the vendor replied. "I see you bought palm fronds. Those are OK for the hicks, but the hot setup in the big city is anemones! You should get some!"
The vendor's eyes seemed a little shifty, but his words and manner were convincing. Achtel turned to Bechtel and said, "Well, I guess we better buy some then." But Bechtel pulled him away from the stand saying, "Are you kidding? With fronds like these, who needs anemones!"

Columbus
Question: How did Christopher Columbus finance his trip to America?
Answer: With the Discover Card.

The Queen...and King
A famous British wit claimed he could make a pun on any topic. He was challenged to make a pun about the queen. He looked concerned, then said brusquely, "The Queen is certainly not a subject."

A King ordered the heads of several of his counts chopped off because they refused to reveal where they had buried their treasures. As the axes began to fall, one count decided to change his mind, but it was too late. Moral: Don't hatchet your counts before they chicken. !"

Checkmates
A group of egotistic chess players gathered in the lobby of a fashionable hotel. Each was trying to tell the others, at the same time, how great he was. The manager finally threw them all out, explaining he was sick and tired of chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Sioux Math
Three Native American mothers sat around the campfire. One, seated on deer skin, boasted that her son weighed 140 pounds. A second, seated on her mountain lion skin, claimed that her son weighed 160 pounds. The third, seated on a hippopotamus skin, said, "I don't have any sons, but I myself weigh 300 pounds." Which proves that the squaw on the hide of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

Television
I dislike the modern music they play on television...saxophones with string accompaniment. I firmly believe there is already too much sax and violins on TV.

Zoned Out
The concept of dividing the globe into longitudinal strips or bands to establish time zones, was first proposed by Sweden's Alex Andersrag. But few people today refer to these zones as Alex Andersrag Time Bands.

The Piano Tuner
Madam Ferenc, a famous pianist, was about to make her American debut. The world renowned piano tuner, Oppernockety was engaged to tune her piano. After he finished, she tried it out and declared it sounded splendid. Unfortunately, her manager believed that it was out of tune and hire the great Mouluar to tune it again. When Madam Ference discovered this perfidy, she was enraged and demanded that the piano once again be tuned by Oppernockety. But, alas, Oppernockety only tunes but once.

Hamburgers
Sick of Hamburgers? Dress them up with this great spread from Getty's, available at all Lincoln Supermarkets. Make hamburgers a real treat with Lincoln's Getty's Burger Dress.

Birds and Oilin'
Very early one morning two birds, George and Gracie, are sitting at the side of a large puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side. So... George flies over and Gracie one swims through - which one gets to the worm first? Gracie, of course, because "da oily bird gets the worm"

One Foggy Knight
Sir Dilbert, knight of the realm, was hurrying home on a cold, dark, wet night when, suddenly, his horse suffered a major coronary and died on the spot. All Sir Dilbert could do was collect up what belongings he could and tramp onwards.
After staggering for a spell, he decides that he must get alternative transport. Accordingly, he heads for the nearest building which, as luck would have it, is a small farm. He strides up to the door, bangs on it and shouts 'A horse! A horse!. I must have a horse!"
The door opens to reveal a young girl. She looks at Sir Dilbert and says, "Your pardon, good night but my father and brothers are returning from the village on the other side of the forest and will not be back before noon tomorrow. They are riding all our horses."
Sir Dilbert is saddened by this and says "But I must return home immediately. Have you any idea where I may acquire alternative transportation?"
The young girl says "I know of no other horses hereabouts, but sometimes my brothers ride our Great Dane dog when the need arises. Would use of that help?"
Sir Dilbert is desperate and says "If I must, I must. Show me the animal." The young girl leads the way around to the back of the farmhouse to a stable. She disappears inside and returns leading and enormous dogs which is quite of a size for riding. Unfortunately, the dog has seen better days. It's coat is threadbare, it's legs are spindly and it seems to be breathing laboriously.
Sir Dilbert looks at the young girl and says, "Surely, you wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this?"

The Ribbiting Problem
Dr. Oleander Fern, the noted biologist, was stumped. He had spent months studying the little green frogs in the swamp. Despite all efforts at predator control, population was declining at an alarming rate.
Fern finally went to the chemistry department at his college to see if anyone there might be able to help. Dr. Myra Cantha looked into the problem and came up with a solution. The little frogs had succumbed to a chemical change in the swamp's water and simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce. Myra brewed up a new adhesive, made from a dash of this, a zoss of that and, most critically, one part sodium. "You mean...?" said Fern.
"Yes," said Myra. "They need a mono-sodium glue to mate!"

He Auto Know Better
One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies, "Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger."
The owner replies, "Well, let's see... Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?"
The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, "I want this color sonny."
To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?"
"No son, I want this color."
"But ma'am, they didn't make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you?" says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale.
By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about.
The secretary replies, "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!"

Save the Dolphins!
A few years ago, there was a really eccentric oil tycoon who had taken it into his head to collect really strange and exotic pets. One day, deciding to add to his collection, he walked into the store of an exotic pet shop and said to the salesman, "Show me the most unusual pet you have in stock!"
The salesman took him to an outside tank, in which a pod of dolphins were frolicking happily. "These may LOOK like ordinary dolphins," he told the man, "but these were given to us to sell by a genetics research group studying ways to genetically reduce aging in humans. It seems the experiment was a success on these little guys.
They can't survive out in the wild anymore, they're too tame, but as long as they don't catch any severe debilitating diseases, they will live more or less forever." The man is impressed, and being the wealthy man that he is, drops the cash to buy the dolphins and have a suitable home for them installed in his backyard.
The man became quite attached to his pets and took very good care of them, and they frolicked about in their tank happily for nearly fifteen years, much longer than any of his other pets had ever survived.
The man spared no expense for their care, and seriously considered leaving his multi-million dollar estate to them in his will. But one day they began to seem a little droopy and not very energetic. Alarmed, the man rang for the vet, who told him that alas, his precious dolphins had contracted a rare icthyoid disease, and the only antibiotic for them had to be derived from the feathers of the blue Savannah Parrot that lived on the jungle fringes of Africa.
The man didn't think twice. He called up his travel agent and booked the next day's flight to Africa, and rented a jeep and a guide and pack boy to help him bag some of these parrots. They drove up to the edge of the jungle, stopped the jeep and trudged into the trees on an old native hunting trail, nets in hand. After about six hours of this, they had bagged two of the parrots, and the man decided that would be enough feather to make enough antibiotic for his pets. So he trudges back out toward the jeep - and freezes. A huge, stately lion had decided to take a nap right in the middle of the path between him and the jeep. He looks over his shoulder and realizes that his companions have fled leaving him literally holding the bag, and the growth is too thick on either side of the trail to make it past without waking the lion. So he backs up about fifty feet, gets a running start, and leaps over the beast and makes a dash for the jeep and drives off for the airport.
Just as he is nearing sight of the airport, he hears a siren and sees some flashing lights. He dutifully pulls over, and a policeman steps up to him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, but you're under arrest - "
The man interrupts him, "Oh, please, officer, I'll pay any fine at all! I need to get these parrots back so I can make a vaccine for my dolphins so they don't die!"
"Well, sir," the policeman replies, "I'm afraid that's the root of the problem. I have to arrest you for taking mynahs over the stately lion for immortal porpoises."

One Froggy Day
There was this yellow toad hopping down a path in the woods. He was feeling really sick and had such a terrible cough he though he might croak. Anyway, he came upon a man who, it turns out, was a doctor. He diagnosed the frogs illness right away, but, alas, he found he was not carrying the medicine with him that the frog required.
The doctor pointed down the path toward a distant hill. "Toad", he said, "if you can hop down past that hill you will find a village where my office is located. Take this prescription with you and tell the druggist to give you what you need." The toad thanked the doctor and started on his journey
A few hours later, the doctor came upon a bunny , hopping through the woods. "And how are you today, Mr. Rabbit?" said the doctor.
"Not so good," came the reply. "I hopped on a thorn a few miles back and my foot is starting to swell." The doctor looked at the rabbit's limb and applied a temporary bandage. "You need to see my nurse who will give you a better dressing and make you well again."
"Oh thank you!" said the rabbit. "Which way do I go to find your office?"
With that, the doctor point toward the distant hill and said "Follow the yellow sick toad."

The Saddest Story
Back in the roaring 20's raccoon coats were the rage, especially among the college set in the ivy league schools. Just any raccoon coat wouldn't do. It had to be a full length duster almost reaching the floor to really be in style. John, a young man with a very rich but miserly father who was entering his freshman year at Harvard was surprised to learn when he moved into the dorm that he just couldn't fit in without a raccoon coat. He pleaded with his father that he just had to have a raccoon coat or would never make it at school. After several letters back and forth his father agreed to purchase a beautiful coat on one condition. The condition was that the coat must not be damaged in any way during the next four years. If there was any damage to the coat at all after four years the John would be disinherited and have to go find a job on his own. He would not be allowed to join the father in his very prosperous business. John quickly agreed to the conditions without thinking of the implications. The father bought the best raccoon coat money could buy, then had several members of his staff count the number of hairs on the coat. They found there were exactly 1,524,203 hairs. A second group of staff members recounted and confirmed there were 1,524,203 hairs. The coat was then carefully sealed in a package and sent off to Harvard with a note informing the John of the hair count. When John received the coat he was overjoyed that his ostracism by his fellow students was soon to end. Then he read the enclosed letter. He showed the coat to all his friend but was afraid to wear it under any circumstances for fear of damaging it in some manner. After everyone had seen the coat he resealed it in its box and placed it on the shelf in his closet. He often showed the coat to new friends but could never work up the courage to wear it until his senior year. Harvard was playing Yale for the conference championship in football. He bought 9 tickets to the game- 3 seats behind his, the seats to either side, and the three seats in front. He was going to be damned sure no one spilled drink or mustard on his beloved coat. He didn't enjoy the game at all because of his concern for his coat. Immediately after the game he returned the coat to the closet where it had been for three years after carefully spending several hours recounting the hairs. All 1,524,203 were intact but after such a tedious job he made a mistake. He didn't reseal the bag in which he had been storing the coat these many years. During the night a campus moth crawled under the door of the closet, fluttered up onto the box and crawled inside. He had a feast but being a small moth one hair was all his tiny stomach could hold. He emerged from the box, fluttered from the closet and flew up onto the light fixture to get warm and have a nap. The next day the hapless student decided to recheck the hair-count. It took him hours but when finished he knew he was in trouble. There were only 1,524,202 hairs. He wailed in despair at the top of his lungs. All his fraternity brothers came running into the room expecting the worst. John recounted the whole story about his fathers conditions and his impending fate.
In all the commotion the little moth asleep on the light fixture awakened. He listened to the story in amazement . As the whole story unfolded the moth became terribly sad-

Have you ever seen a moth bawl?

A Bad Chair Day
There was a tribe in Africa which was very fierce and warring...they would battle all the tribes in the area, and they always won. As a victory trophy, they would take the throne of the chief of the defeated tribe and carry it home, chanting victory chants and singing the whole way. When they got home, they would put the throne in the attic of the grass hut. This went on for quite some time, and soon the throne collection grew, adding to the prestige of the tribe.
One day, they battled a tribe of fairly large people, some might call them giants. They won, and they struggled to get the throne home...but the chanting and joyousness prevailed as usual. When they got home, they had the ritual of putting the throne in the attic of the grass hut, but the weight was too much. The ceiling collapsed, killing everyone on the tribe.

Moral: People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

Et Tu, Bull?
A Wyoming rancher had a bull named Caesar who was getting old .so he decided to sell him on the auction market. The only problem was that the nearest railroad was miles away and across a river that hadn't yet been bridged. Since Caesar had grown somewhat crotchety in his old age the rancher organized a crew of three men who he sent off with his ranch foreman to lead Caesar to the railroad line. After two days of travel Caesar and the crew arrived at the river near the market town. The tired crew members suggested to their foreman that they be allowed to relax and fish awhile before catching the ferryboat. "What shall we do with Caesar while you fish?, asked the foreman. The men replied, "Oh, he can just graze on this lush grass along the river." After a long period of thought the foreman decreed, "We came to ferry Ceasar, not to graze him!"

S.O.S. on a Painted Sea
There were two ships...one had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided.
At last report, the survivors were marooned!

This One's for Gilbert & Sullivan Fans
Many years ago there was a small town that had several bakeries. One of these was run by the aunts of a man named Penn. He and his aunts baked the best pies in the state. Not only that, but they were also the least expensive. Now the other bakers could make equally delicious pies, but Penn always sold more, for no one could beat the 'pie rates of Penn's aunts'.

Boll Jest
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.

The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.<>/font>

He Boulder Over
While at an amusement park one very windy day, Scott found himself inside one of the buildings in idle conversation a park janitor, who was preparing to go outside to pick up the blowing litter. The woman was of small stature (4'10", 90 pounds) and she remarked that she would have to put rocks in her shoes when she went outside to work. Scott looked at her and said, "You mean, now I weigh me down to sweep?"

The Eyes Have It!
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !!
"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No, " she replied, "You just happened to catch my eye."

Ze Dumb Guy
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

Little Monastery of Horrors
There once was a small town in which lived a group of monks. These monks, having need of money to fund their monastery, decided to open up a flower shop. Well the rest of the townspeople were very pleased at first, since they hadn't had a flower shop before. However, some people became concerned when they noticed that whenever children were sent to the flower shop to flowers, they went missing.
A group of citizens went to the shop to see if the monks knew what had happened to them. They entered the store and were immediately impressed and awed by the wide assortment of exotic flora present. However, their admiration turned to horror when one of the larger plants reached down, grabbed a small boy, and swallowed him whole!
The villagers fled the shop screaming, attracting the attention of the other townspeople. As soon as the news was spread, the people decided that the only thing to do was to get rid of the evil monks! A group of 20 men were assembled, and they armed themselves with clubs and staves. At high noon, they attacked the monks' flower shop. However, they were unprepared for the high level of fighting skills of the brown-robed brothers: The men were beaten back in less than fifteen minutes! So the townspeople assembled a second group, this time arming them with knives and scythes. At midnight, they attacked. But once again, the merciless monks beat them back, this time in less than ten minutes! The townspeople were at a loss. Who would save them?
Suddenly, out of the darkness, stepped Hugh the blacksmith, the tallest, strongest, and most foul-smelling man in the village. "Do not worry, my friends", said Hugh. "*I* will rid this town of these evil evangelists!" The townspeople, having no other alternative (and nothing to lose except a relatively poor blacksmith), armed Hugh with clubs, staves, knives and scythes, and sent him off to vanquish the foul friars. They waited impatiently at the edge of the town, hoping against hope that Hugh would return victorious. Suddenly, over the crest of the hill, silhouetted against the afternoon sun, appeared Hugh. Over his shoulder was slung the remains of the hideous man-eating plant.
"The monks have fled! Their flowers will trouble us no more!", cried Hugh. The townspeople cried out with joy, and, proclaiming the day a holiday, feasted and danced until dawn. From that day on, a moral was passed on to all the children of the town. Whenever they were tempted to make fun of Hugh and his slow, smelly ways, they were reminded: "Only Hugh Can Prevent Florist Friars."

Czech Out This One
One day a Czechoslovakian came to visit his friend in New York. When ask what he wanted to see the Czechoslovakian replied, "I would like to see one of the zoos in America." To his delight, the New Yorker took him to the zoo. While they were touring the zoo, and standing in front of the gorilla cage, one of the gorillas busted out of the cage and swallowed the Czech whole.
Shocked, his friend from New York quickly called over the zoo keeper. He quickly explained the situation and ask the zoo keeper what he planed to do. The zoo keeper got an axe and ask the man, "Okay, which gorilla did it, was it the male or the female." Pointing out the female as the culprit, the zoo keeper quickly split the female gorilla open and found nothing of the Czech. With which the man from New York shrugged and said, "Guess the Czech's in the male."

Maid for Love
There was once a wise man who loved a beautiful maiden, but she lived in a marsh where his car always got stuck and, besides, her father had a gun, so he never did get close enough to tell her of his passion. However, she had a more energetic suitor who purchased amphibious tires for his car and, when her father was asleep, speedily carried her off.
Moral: Treads rush in where wise men fear to fool.

Warm Eskimos
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank -- proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Lots of One-Liners

Punsters deserve to be drawn and quoted.

What do you call three rabbits in a row, hopping backwards simultaneously?
A receding hare line.

ASCII silly question......Get a silly ANSI

Two peanuts were walking in Central Park, one was assaulted.

Show me where Stalin's buried and I'll show you a communist plot.

Show me a famous composer's liquor cabinet and I'll show you Beethoven's Fifth.

Tibetan housewife upon entering her smoke-filled kitchen: "Oh, my baking yak!"

Show me the first president's dentures, and I'll show you the George Washington Bridge.

A man recently invented a knife that cuts four loaves of bread simultaneously. He calls his invention a four-loaf cleaver.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

And finally, my favorite: Q.: What do you get if you cross Lee Iacocca with Dracula?
A.: AUTO EXEC . BAT

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